Parenting

I was trying to put Robbie, my 8 month old down for his afternoon nap. Nicky, who is three, was hovering just outside the door waiting for me to finish. Gordie stayed home from grade one because he caught a cold and was coughing enough to need his puffer.

Robbie was obviously tired but was just not giving in to sleep. That’s when I found myself questioning my life choices. And asking myself, Do I even like kids?

Today was one of those days where it felt like I was spinning my wheels and just not getting anywhere. Honestly, a lot of days feel like that.

Robbie’s no longer a small baby and things are way easier. He’s a pretty good sleeper and not as needy as he used to be. Things get better so slowly it’s sometimes hard to notice the difference

Yesterday I made chili and hamburger soup. Our kitchen table is generally clean and some days I even have enough energy to sort through some of the areas that have gotten completely out of control.

But some days are still hard. Gordie starts school at 8 so I need to be up before 7am. But I have trouble going to sleep as early as I need to. Robbie is a wonderful sweet tempered baby. But he is exhausting to hold. And I’ve lost count of the number of times his big baby head has smashed into my nose this week.

Like all stages, this one will end. Robbie will stop trying to crawl into my mouth and start causing a whole new set of trouble crawling around the house. And eventually I’ll start going to bed early enough so that I’m not sleepy all the time (at least I hope I will).

Some days are tough. Some days I just feel like hiding.

I’m pretty sure that’s normal. Raising kids is hard, tiring, exhausting and often thankless.

Not loving every minute of it doesn’t mean anything else.

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My daughter, Nicky, just turned 3 and we had a princess birthday party for her at her request. My little girl loves princesses. And I don’t mind. For all that people criticize them, I think it’s pretty harmless. I’m not too worried that my determined little girl is going to grow up to be one.

In the last few months, her pretend play skills have gotten much better and she no longer just wants to watch princess movies and dress up like a princess, she wants to play with little princess dolls too.

She wants me to play with her too. She grabs a couple and says, “You be ‘punzel” and hands me Rapunzel. Then she takes Ariel and in the high squeaky voice she uses to indicate it is the doll speaking says “What are you doing?” Her imaginative play skills are still in their infancy, so it’s not surprising that she looks to me to take the lead. Mine should be better. But when she has Ariel ask Rapunzel what they should do today, I’m a little stumped. What do princesses do anyway? Dance? Have tea parties? Sleep?

We end up doing a lot of princess dance parties.

One day though, I decided to do something different. I can’t remember what made me do it. I think I was just bored of playing ‘princess’. I decided to see what Nicky would do if I suggested our princess do other kinds of things. Things that seem a little less princess-like. First, Mulan fought a dragon. Then Cinderella and Aurora went mountain climbing up the couch and paraglided back down. Aurora had a bad landing, but not to worry, Dr. Ariel was there to stitch her back up!

Nicky loved it. She particularly enjoyed it when one of the princesses got injured having an adventure and needed medical attention from one of the doctor princesses. Now that she is playing adventure princess she can sometimes even get her older brother to play with her.

I had a lot more fun too and our play was a lot more creative, as it was now literally only limited by our imaginations.

I hadn’t thought too much about why she liked princesses before. But she definitely likes them regardless of whether they are saving the world or having a tea party. It was really eye opening to me to see how much I was limiting my daughter’s play without even thinking about it. It wasn’t deliberate but it was still happening.

In our house now there isn’t much that Princesses don’t do.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like a novice parent. I now have 2 kids and another one on the way. My oldest is 5. With this pregnancy, I haven’t even cracked a pregnancy book (for my first I think I had 3) and have checked a few times on the internet to see how big the baby is at whatever number of weeks. I have trouble keeping track of how many weeks pregnant I am and sometimes it almost slips my mind that I’m pregnant at all. It’s not that the milestones are less special, but the road there is less worrying and less anxiety ridden. At least for me.

Sure, different kids come with different challenges  (and joys!) and different pregnancies come with different worries and different symptoms. But it has been a long time since I’ve had that ‘I have no idea what I am doing and am pretty sure everyone is going to judge me because of that’ lack of confidence in my parenting.

Maybe part of this is because I didn’t send Gordie to daycare or preschool. Maybe if I had the difference would have been less daunting. It’s not that I had trouble letting him go. I was pretty confident that he would love going. I figured his biggest problem was going to be not talking – as in knowing when not to talk – and for the most part that has been true. But all the choices and decisions you have to make. How big of a backpack do I get? What are good things to send for snack? What about volunteering?

Now that it’s a month in, I feel more at ease again. I’ve found the first month exhausting for me and my son. But we generally took it easy and tried not to do too much. We did end up buying a backpack that is a touch too small. We walk to school, so I didn’t want it to be too big, but it’s doesn’t quite fit a full sheet of paper. I highly recommend testing that out before you buy one. After some trial and error I’ve also found that my son does really well if I pack healthy muffins and grape tomatoes for his snack. (These pineapple, carrot and raisin whole wheat muffins worked really well). We had his parent teacher interviews last week and he seems to be doing really well. Everything his teacher said about him would surprise no one who knew him. And most importantly, he has a big smile on his face as he goes in to school and a big smile on his face on his way out.

I remember wondering when you stopped feeling like a new parent. I had thought maybe it was when you stopped being surprised about the fact that you actually are a parent. But I suspect now that this won’t be the last time I’ll have the feeling of not having a clue what I am doing. And i’ll be lucky if it doesn’t happen again before my kids enter their teenage years.

When people ask “Is she a good baby”, I think most of the time they are just being conversational and not really thinking about what they are saying. But really, it’s just not a very good question to ask parents.

Sure some babies are easier than others: some sleep better, cry less, are content more. That seems to be what people are getting at when they are asking the question. But it seems to implies that babies that have more difficulty, are bad babies. And there are no bad babies. Some babies do struggle more in the early stages of life, they cry a lot, they sleep like garbage, they find life pretty darn distressing. They don’t have an easy time, and neither do their parents. So why do people want to push this in their face?

My son was a terrible sleeper and I hated it when people asked me that question. Seriously what was I supposed to say? “No. he’s not. He’s kind of crap. I’m thinking of sending him back”? Instead, I’d usually say something like “yes, he’s a good baby. Not a great sleeper, but he’s a good baby.”

I had kind of forgotten about this until I had my daughter. People still ask this question all the time. For a small baby, she is a pretty good sleeper, she is pretty content and she doesn’t cry much. Overall, she’s been a pretty easy baby. But I refuse to support people in suggesting that defines whether she is a good baby. Because all babies are good, they are doing the best they can to deal with the world. What else can you expect of them? They are babies! So I tell people that “She’s a pretty easy baby.” And she is. But both my kids were really good babies.

Did you get this question with your babies? How did you handle it?.

It seems there is never an end to the number of things you can do to prove you are a less than adequate parent and nothing you can do to prove you are a great one. As someone who is used to being able to be successful when I put my mind to something, this can be a difficult adjustment. If you are not careful you can turn yourself inside out trying to do all the right things in an attempt to achieve something unachievable.

One of the latest topics along these lines is about how you shouldn’t be letting your kids (especially your young kids) play with your Ipad/Iphone. With the current popularity of smart phones and tablets and the proliferation of apps for them which are engaging to toddlers in a way that no other platform has managed to previously reach, this is really no surprise.

Every new form of media is subject to this criticism. Today, we are quite familiar with the criticism about kids and television, but you might be surprised to know that similar criticism was levelled against novels when they first became widely available as well.

Novels “written chiefly to the young, the ignorant, and the idle, to whom they serve as lectures of conduct, and introductions into life. They are the entertainment of minds unfurnished with ideas, and therefore easily susceptible of impressions”
-Samuel Johnson as quoted in The Cambridge History of Literary Criticism: The eighteenth century

They induce a ‘bloated imagination, sickly judgment and disgust towards all the real business of life’
– Gentleman’s Magazine, 58 (Nov. 1788) as quoted in The Cambridge History of Literary Criticism: The eighteenth century

To me, this suggests that it is not the media itself that is the issue, but what we fear it is replacing. In general these concerns boil down to: face to face communication (particularly with parents, caregivers and teachers), the instruction of morals and values, an active life style and engaging in diversions rather than productive work (or play as the case may be). Interestingly, these can all still be levelled against reading novels.

Am I suggesting that there is no downside to limitless screen time? No, I’m simply saying it’s nothing new. Furthermore, although I have recently read a couple of articles on the internet suggesting that we are using Ipads and Iphone as digital pacifers (certainly true at least in some cases and I’m not convinced that is always a bad thing) as well as the assertion that these devices with young children results in speech delay. However, although we may find this to be true, these are currently assumptions based on research on TV and kids and opinions (some ‘experts’ some not) rather than actual research on kids, ipads and speech development.

Ultimately, whatever the results of the studies (when they are conducted) end up being, research of this nature notoriously difficult to make real world conclusions about. This doesn’t mean that such research shouldn’t be done, we just need to be careful about decisions made based on it.

There are essentially two main methods that can be used to study concepts like this: experimental or observational. An experimental study might look something like this: half of a group of 3 and 4 year olds play with an Ipad app for 30 minutes and the other half play with blocks for 30 minutes. Then you evaluate them with some kind of measure that you had also administered prior to ‘play time’. Although the chances of any difference found between your two groups being a result of your manipulation (playing with an ipad vs not) there are a number of issues with this methodology in terms of real world conclusions.  First, the any difference is likely to be transient rather than a long term effect – although it’s possible that it may point to something long term, it’s impossible to know without examining the issue over a longer period of time. Additionally, there are a large variety of different apps that can be used with an Ipad with different levels of interactivity, educational content etc. There can also be a huge variation in how often and how long toddlers are using Ipads as well as how available they are to them.

As it is unlikely you will find parents willing to agree to participating in a study where researchers determine how much time and what apps their children can use over time, the only other realistic option is to examine Ipad use in Toddlers without manipulating it (observational study). Because of the lack of any planned intervention, it is impossible to determine whether Ipad use causes any effects found or whether they are due to some other factor. For instance, particularly at this point in time, it is a very select group of toddlers who have access to Ipads – they are going to tend to have parents that have more money than average, be tech savvy,  as well as a number of other possibilities. These factors could both be responsible for the research findings instead of the Ipad use itself. In addition, because not all groups of toddlers have equal access to Ipads, the findings may not be applicable to say, kids who’s parents have limited economic resources.

At any rate, in my opinion, as long as you ensure that your children still engage in other forms of play, get plenty of attention, physical activity and other good parenting basics, it is unlikely that your kid will suffer as a result of playing with an Ipad any more  than anything else you could do ‘wrong’.

There are also a number of benefits that I find personally to letting your toddler use your Iphone/Ipad.

1. It makes travelling easier. There is nothing that can compare with the amount of different kinds of travel friendly entertainment an Ipad can hold in such a compact amount of space. And honestly, isn’t everyone happier with an entertained toddler in a car or on a plane?

2. It can make it easier to take them to places where they have to wait. Whether it is a necessity like waiting for the doctor, or something fun like going out to eat at a restaurant, having an Ipad or a smart phone in reserve can make the whole experience more survivable and make it more likely that you won’t hesitate to do it again.

3. It can give you as a parent a much needed break. Can this be over used? Absolutely. But it is frequently different as a parent to get childcare relief on demand. If you’ve had a bad day and are in a terrible mood or are ill, are your kids really going to be worse off because they played a game on an ipad or better off because you were able to get some rest? Of course there are other kind of diversions that can be used for this purpose, this is just one method that I’ve appreciated having at my disposal.

You may have noticed that I didn’t mention any education effects on my list of benefits. Although there are things that I know Gordie has learned from using an Ipad, I don’t know it has been the best method to teach him those things, just a method. And honestly, to me, it doesn’t matter. I don’t think that any kid will suffer from not having access to an Ipad, I have found it beneficial as a parent, but kids catch on to these things so quickly, they are no danger of being behind their peers without one and there is nothing you can do on an ipad that you couldn’t do in another way.

So, do you let your kids play with your smart phone or Ipad? Does it make you feel guilty? Are there any benefits you’ve found that I didn’t think of?

As we await the arrival of our 2nd child, only a few weeks away, I think about some of the worries I have for her. It’s funny how different they are from the ones at the end of my first pregnancy.

Although some of my fears at that time, may in fact occur, I’m no longer stressed about whether I’ll be able to breastfeed or calm my baby, or so many of those first time mom worries. I know I’ll be (at least a little) less frazzled and definitely more confident right from the beginning.

But there are different things that occupy my mind this time around. I want this baby to feel special and valued. This didn’t concern me with my first baby. It seems easy to do with one. But with two there is balances and trade-offs and everything isn’t new anymore. There are few firsts that haven’t been done before by your first.

I’m planning a meet-the-baby party to welcome our new baby into the world. I know many people don’t think it’s appropriate to have a baby shower for subsequent children, but I think every child deserves to his/her birth to be celebrated. I want my 2nd child to have reams of photos taken of her as a baby and not have 90% of them include her older sibling. I want her to have a baby book where her milestones are recorded just like her big brother. I worry with those last two that I may be setting myself up for failure. (Even in the pregnancy photo on this post my son is visible playing in the background).

I wonder whether I’ll be able to get quality time alone with both of my kids. I wondering whether I’ll be able to be able to balance their different needs without inappropriately prioritizing one over the other. Will my two kids get along?

I know there will be things I struggle with that I never even considered. I know some of the things I worry about now will end up as real difficulties. And some of these things won’t end up as an issue at all. And I know, like every parent, I’ll never run out of things to worry about.

What did you worry about while you were transitioning from one to two kids? How did it actually go? Do you have any advice?

Now that the Life Outdoors – Fall Challenge has been going on for a couple of weeks, I’ve noticed another set of expectations that I have for outdoor play that makes it seem like more work than just staying in.

I have no problem reading a book or writing a blog post while Gordie is happily playing by himself inside. But to take a book outside just seems so… deliberate. Like I am planning on ignoring my child.

It doesn’t really make sense does it? Just because I bring a book out, doesn’t mean I have to read it. And if it’s there, and Gordie is happily playing by himself, I’m going to have a much better time out there reading my book instead of tapping my foot until we go back in.

If the point is for Gordie to get outside, it doesn’t really matter what I’m doing does it? It’s about him, not me.

I think that being able to play independently is a really good skill for kids to have – both inside and outside. It’s not that I’m never going to play with him. I do and I will continue to do so all time. But letting him or even encouraging him to play by himself isn’t an inferior form of play.

So, this week I’m going to try to worry less about whether I’m being a good enough mom outside and just feel good that we are outside.